


That I Would Be Good (The Live to Tell Remix)

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: AU, Dubious Consent/Nonconsensual, M/M, New Caprica, Remix Duello 2010, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-10
Updated: 2010-10-10
Packaged: 2017-10-12 14:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On New Caprica, a Two took an interest in Felix Gaeta.  The difference between a Two and an Eight meant a huge difference in the way Gaeta's life turned out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That I Would Be Good (The Live to Tell Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LorraineMarker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LorraineMarker/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Rose of Sharon](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/1636) by Lorrainemarker. 



The cold wind screamed down the corridors created by the tents, kicking up tattered papers and dead leaves, cutting through the warmth of Felix's wool coat. He shivered and pulled it tighter around his shoulders, wincing as the searchlight passed over him. He ducked his head down and picked up his pace, staring at the ground as he heard Centurions patrolling two rows over.

Jake was waiting, lying on the ground with his nose between his paws. His tail started thumping as Felix approached, and he looked up hopefully. Felix glanced around, opened the drawer of the waste bin, and slipped the message in. Then he knelt down and scratched Jake behind the ears.

"How you doing, boy?" he asked. He slipped a piece of dried meat out of his pocket. Jake snatched it from his hand and wolfed it down, and then whimpered. "Sorry. I don't have any more. I-" The tenor of Jake's whimper changed, and the hairs on the back of Felix's neck rose. He glanced over his shoulder.

A Two was standing there, watching him.

Felix turned back to Jake, trying not to shiver. _Act calm. Act casual. There are no Centurions coming; maybe he didn't see you put the message in._ He stayed just a little longer, and then stood up. He stuffed his hands back in his pocket and, with a final pat, began the trek home. As he passed him, he nodded at the Two.

The Two just nodded back.

***

It was easy enough to tell this Two from the others; this one wore a goatee. Felix spotted him as he walked into work the next morning. The Two didn't say anything, didn't falter in his conversations.

But as Felix passed him, the Two smiled.

***

He waited; waited for the Cylons to come to his office, waited for the Two to come in and threaten him. Nothing happened, and his day continued as all his days did. He wrote reports, made announcements, took notes on meetings. He crossed paths with the Two several times, but the Two didn't say a thing.

He must not have seen. Felix felt his shoulders beginning to relax.

He made his way to the market after work. He walked down the row of tables and stalls, mentally composing a list of what he needed and methodically obtaining the items. At some stalls, he had no trouble, but at others, he noticed he could never catch the seller's eye. He sighed impatiently, wishing he could shake these people and make them _see_ , and knowing that doing just that could buy him some comfort but cost him his life.

After a frustrating hour, he made his way home, to the silence of his tent. The rustling of his bag as he pulled out his groceries seemed extremely loud.

***

The sky was gray. It made the day completely unremarkable from the one that came before it, or the one that would follow. Felix sat at the table in the corner, taking notes as the Cylons "met" with Baltar. As the Cylons sat around and used Baltar as their legitimate face to oppress humanity was more accurate, Felix thought with a grimace he tried to hide. The Cylons were arguing about rationing medical supplies.

"They need to understand that this is serious," a Four said, "that this civilization must be founded on sacrifice from both sides."

"And what sacrifice are we making?" Felix's head shot up. It was _the_ Two that had spoken. The other Cylons, including another Two, turned to face him angrily. "We ask the humans to give up everything, but what are we sacrificing? Why should we expect the humans to understand what we are trying to accomplish when we give them nothing to have faith in?"

"God has given us His message, brother. That is sufficient," a Two contradicted firmly.

"And we have a very convenient way of interpreting that message," the Two said. "Besides, with crowded conditions and insufficient hygiene, we run the risk of an epidemic."

"A few less of them might be exactly what we need," a One groused.

The Two looked like he would argue, but the other Two reached over and grabbed his wrist. "We understand your point, brother. There's no need to make it again. But it does not change the facts, and the insurrection and resistance that must be squashed."

Felix waited to see if the Two would retort, but he didn't. Not that Felix expected him to. It was just another piece of data, another confirmation of how the Cylons thought. He listened dully as they continued their discussion, the dissenting Two silenced, and then called a vote.

The Two did vote against their motion. It was a useless gesture, but it was an interesting one nonetheless. Felix noted it with the same feeling he got when he would note an anomaly in his data in the lab. But there were always reasons for those anomalies: faulty equipment, contamination, inaccuracies on his part. Maybe the Two had a circuit crossed.

His sour grin faded when he noticed that the Two was watching _him_ , searching for _his_ reaction.

***

He was following him.

Felix wasn't aware of it at first, but soon he noticed. The Two followed him as he left _Colonial One_ and walked back to his tent. If he went to the market first, he followed him there. It scared the hell out of him. It also made visiting the message drop harder.

Harder, but not impossible. He'd wait in his tent until the Two was nowhere around, and then slip out into the darkness. The darkness brought an extra edge to the mission and made him look more suspicious, but he risked it anyway. It was too important to do anything else.

Once, he thought he glimpsed the Two on his way back, but he pushed the thought from his mind. If a Cylon knew what he was doing, he would be in detention before he could blink; there was no doubt about that.

He kept his head down as he made his way back to the tent.

***

He entered his office and froze. The book he kept on the left corner of his desk had been moved.

For a long moment, Felix couldn't breathe. They knew. The _had_ to know. Someone had been searching his office. Here and there, he saw other evidence of another presence. The picture of his fathers in their uniforms, moved. The documents on his desk- he could swear they were in a slightly different order. His chair left at an angle that didn't make sense, since he always stood to the right, not the left.

But then he decided he was just being paranoid. The strain was getting to him. After all, the Cylons were _machines_. If they didn't want him to know they'd searched his office, they'd be a lot more precise about it. And if they _did_ want him to know, they'd make sure he knew. And when he found the calculations he'd been doing to work out the coordinate system still hidden in a folder, he knew that he'd know in a matter of hours if they knew or not.

The minutes ticked by, and no Centurions came for him. Felix forced himself to relax, telling himself he was imagining it all. No one was watching him that closely.

But that night, the Two still followed him home.

***

Baltar's secretary was found in a gutter, stabbed. The Cylons were furious, and Felix knew it had to have been human insurrection. It made his blood run cold, and he wished he could carry his gun with him. But it would only be asking for trouble, either from Cylons or any humans who might attack him. He had to take his chances.

He was in his tent, reheating soup, when it dawned on him, He jumped to his feet and looked out the flap, and yes, the Two was there, smoking a cigarette and standing an odd sort of vigil from three tents away. Felix couldn't be sure, but he had the strangest feeling that the Two might be _guarding_ him.

No. No way.

***

He stayed quiet in _Colonial One_ , unless it was expected he'd speak. Then he spoke with the exact emotion expected of him, with a minimum of words. _Cool and professional. Cool and professional. You've been hiding your feelings for years._ For the most part, it worked, and Felix Gaeta was simply a piece of equipment on _Colonial One_ , not a person or a human or someone to be dealt with.

The Cylons weren't always physical when they were angry, but every now and then that violence broke through. For the most part, Felix managed to avoid it, but one day he made the mistake of arguing with a Three over the wording of an announcement. She struck him, hard enough to send him sprawling to the floor, his cheek burning in pain. He curled around himself, trying to take stock as he saw her brace for a kick.

"Leave him."

The kick never landed. Felix looked up and saw that the Three was still there, but she was being restrained. She glared down at him, anger deepening on her face. "Get out of here," she ordered him.

He struggled to his feet and stumbled for the door. It was only after he'd returned to his office and collected his wits that he realized that it wasn't another human that had held the Three off, but the Two.

***

Footsteps behind him. A presence near him. It should feel protective, but it felt oppressive.

 _I didn't ask for this. I don't want this. Why are you doing this to me?_ All words he wanted to ask, all words that he held back. And the Two kept following.

He did what he had to do, and waited for the other shoe to fall.

***

It was a clear night for once. Felix could see the stars, pinpricks of twinkling light. He looked where the Fleet was meant to be, but those pinpricks weren't there.

Jake's fur was matted and tangled, but it felt soft beneath his fingers. He whimpered as Felix stood back up and put the message in the drawer, and then thumped his tail against the ground. "How much longer does this go on, hmmm?" he asked him softly. "How much longer do we just have to _wait_? To sit still, without being able to do anything?"

Of course, Jake had no answer. He only sniffed at Felix's hands, searching to see if he'd brought any scraps of food.

The impotence drove his footsteps and quickened his pace. He felt like he was straining against bonds, and he needed to snap _something_ , to make some difference _now_. He never knew where he got the courage, but he stopped and spun around.

"Why are you following me?" he demanded angrily.

The Two was there. He'd known he would be. But he just stopped and shrugged, his face lighting up. "You know me."

Felix waved it off. "Of course. You wear a goatee. It makes it easier. I-" his voice fell off a bit as the Two approached him. This was it. This was… he braced himself for the steel hands around his throat, for his ribs to be collapsed, for….

The Two caught his chin between two fingers and then kissed him.

For a long moment, all Felix could do was stand still. _No… no… please not… no. Kiss back_ , he ordered himself. _If this is what he wants, if this is the price you have to pay, pay it. Kiss back._ He forced himself to do it, to kiss back, even as his palms turned sweaty and his heart accelerated into a rapid staccato.

The Two pulled back and smiled at him. He _smiled_.

"Why?" Felix asked, his voice the voice of a stranger. "Why me?"

"Because I know you, Felix Gaeta. I see the light of your destiny, I see your purpose and your role in this world. I see your anger and your indignation, I see your pride and your spirit. We all have our destinies, and yours is like a stream cutting through a meadow."

Religious bullshit or thinly veiled warning? Felix couldn't tell, but the Two let him step back, let him go.

"I will see you again soon," he promised, and brushed the back of his hand against Felix's cheek. "I know you. And the others will see as well."

Not a warning, then. An extortion. He was almost sure of it.

***

 _He wants you._ The voice kept reminding him of that at strange times, at inopportune moments. Felix tried to ignore it, but he couldn't. The reality of the statement was far too pressing.

 _He wants you._

I know.

What are you going to do about it?

That was the question, wasn't it? What _was_ he going to do about it? He could push away, tell the Two no. But if he did that, what would the reaction be? He doubted that it would be so simple as the Two accepting his answer. More likely, the Two would just take what he wanted anyway. Felix wasn't naïve enough to not know that things like that were happening throughout the settlement, although he'd always thought it unlikely that it would happen to him. But the possibility that the Two had some idea what he was doing for the Resistance… _I know you. And the others will see as well._ More than just a possibility, then.

He had no choice in the matter.

But what if he pretended? What if he allowed the Two to believe that he was willing? What if he submitted, and did this thing?

The possibilities clicked through his mind, and by the end of the day, he knew what he was going to do.

***

The Two didn't come that night, and Felix lay in his bed, fists wrapped in his blankets and limbs stiff, unable to sleep. He jerked at each sound, each footfall outside his door. But in the morning, he woke in the cold alone. He would have been relieved, but that just meant that everything was still to come.

The Two came the next night, and at least he had the decency to come early on, before it could get too bad again. Felix pulled aside the tent flaps and the Two came in, kissing him immediately, hands running down his sides. Felix obediently forced his arms to encircle him, kissed back, pressed against him. He closed his eyes, imagining he was back on Picon and this was a bar. _Just anonymous sex_ , he convinced himself. _Just some guy in a club that I'll never see again._ It wasn't his style, but he'd done it before and could do it again.

The goatee tickled.

He found himself in his bed, the Two on him. By now it was easier to move with him, and his own body was responding. More than Felix liked, to be honest, but he couldn't complain. At least the Two seemed satisfied. And if he closed his eyes and closed his mind, he could _almost_ pretend he was somewhere else, or at least _with_ someone else.

He lay beside the Two in the bed after, staring at the canvas ceiling and wondering when this had become his life.

***

"I'd like to do something for you," the Two said, running a hand down Felix's bare back.

"Oh?" Felix arched his eyebrows, trying to sound flirtatious. "You've done quite a bit already."

The Two's laugh faded quickly. "That's not what I meant," he said earnestly. "I know that you worry about people. About your people, the ones that have disappeared." Felix tried to look away, but the Two caught his chin and forced him to look at him. His eyes were intense, and Felix swallowed hard. "Give me their names," he pleaded softly. "And I'll do what I can to release them."

Felix stared. Not because he didn't fully believe the Two, but because for once, something in this universe might have gone his way. "All right."

***

He gave the Two lists. And as he saw the people about the settlement, released and thin and haggard but _free_ , he began to feel like what he was doing was worth it. It wasn't just saving his own skin anymore, but the lives of other people. Face after face, life after life. It wasn't much, but it was something. It was a lot.

He began to get a purpose back in his stride, and hope back in his heart.

***

"You're smiling," the Two said.

"Am I?" Felix asked, fixing them both a cup of coffee. The Two sat on his bed, an intimate gesture that Felix couldn't really object to anymore. He handed him his mug and blew across his own. "Maybe I have reasons to smile."

The Two thought he meant him. Felix could see it in the way he lit up, the way he laughed. He sighed inwardly. He'd wanted for someone to look at him this way, to see him in this light. And then life was unfair enough as to make it a Cylon.

But then, today he had managed to pass the jamming signals to the Resistance. He supposed he shouldn't push his luck. "Lots of reasons to smile," Felix said, sipping his coffee. It was going to be a long night.

***

He had no real idea of how the rescue would happen; no one had told him much of anything. And besides, he had his own business to take care of. But after he'd let Gaius go to stop that nuke, after he'd let the human race down _again_ , he found himself running through the settlement.

There was a Raptor, waiting. He picked up his pace, his lungs threatening to explode.

Someone grabbed him around the waist. He turned, facing the Two. _His_ Two. "What are you doing?" he hissed. "Let me go!"

"No," the Two answered, pulling him towards a heavy raider. "It would be your death."

Felix looked back at the Raptor and struggled, but the Two had always been stronger than him. He'd always known it, that was one of the reasons he was stuck in this frakking situation in the first place. "It wouldn't be-" he began, but the Two knocked him to the ground. There was a knee on his chest, and incredible pressure. He struggled against it, but the Two refused to stand up.

In the distance, he heard the hum of a Raptor engine. It was the last thing he was aware of before he blacked out.

***

Music. There was soft music, more felt than heard. He struggled to open his eyes and saw white lights on black, a red he could almost touch in the air.

"Where am I?" he whispered.

A face. _His_ face. The Two. "You're safe," he answered, touching Felix's cheek.

Felix didn't believe it at all.

***

The next time he woke, the Two was gone. Two Centurions stood watch outside a door. The room was largely empty, except for one lounge bed. Felix sat down on it cautiously, shivering. His clothing was missing.

He was alone, he was a prisoner… he _felt_ the walls pulsing. He wanted to scream, but he knew that there was no one to hear.

He sat on the bed, shivering and terrified.

***

The Two came. Felix was on his feet in an instant.

"What did you do?" he shouted. "Where the frak am I?"

The Two was surprised. "You're on the resurrection ship. You'll be safe here."

"Safe? On a ship full of Cylons?" Felix didn't bother to hold back. Humanity was off New Caprica, and if he died, who the frak cared? They all assumed he was dead anyway.

The Two was nonplussed. "Safe," he repeated. "They would have killed you."

Felix laughed bitterly. "Maybe I was ready to die. Maybe I _deserved_ it."

"No," the Two insisted. "You are sinless. Of all of us, you remain the sole innocent."

Felix snorted and turned away. Innocent. He might not have surrendered, he might not have taken up arms, but he'd done his share. _Innocent_ was a mockery. But when he turned back and looked at the Two, and he shivered. What terrified him was the look on the Two's face: the Two really believed it.

***

Eventually, the Two brought clothes. They weren't his; they were thin pants and a thin, button down shirt. They made Felix long for his dog tags. He wondered what would happen if he was in the Fleet now, what he would be doing. He thought about Dee and Helo, Zarek and Playa, Tigh and Adama…. They all assumed he was dead, he was sure of it. There would be no rescue mission, no help.

The Two kept trying to talk to him. About the only good thing that Felix could say for that was he didn't try to force the sex again. Because now, it wouldn't be what it was before, but rape, pure and simple. He had no desire to touch the thing that had brought him here.

"I will not hurt you," the Two insisted, like a master to a crazed pet dog.

He never answered, until one day he couldn't take it anymore. "You stole me from my people."

"They would have killed you," the Two insisted wearily.

Maybe. Felix didn't think so, but yes, it was certainly possible. "Adama and Roslin would have insisted on a trial," he said.

The Two laughed. "Adama killed me on Ragnar Anchorage, Roslin flung my brother from an airlock after she promised she would not kill him."

"You were Cylons," Felix ground out. "I'm not."

"But they see you as a collaborator."

 _A collaborator._ He knew that, but to hear it said so baldly stung. After all he'd done, that was how he would be seen.

 _No,_ something inside him whispered. _They'd know the truth. Eventually. They would._

He had to believe it, otherwise he would go insane.

***

He knew there were other Cylons on board this ship, but he never saw them. He saw Centurions, he saw his Two. That was all.

There was no torture. He hadn't expected that. There was no forced sex, no inflicted humiliation. He was fed, he was clothed, and he had access to several parts of the ship. The Two didn't touch him, just watched him with wounded eyes and talked at him.

"They would have killed you," he explained, over and over. "I know you did so much, but how would you prove it? They hated you on New Caprica. Do you know how many times I had to stop someone from hurting you? How many times I protected you there? When you set foot on that ship, they would have branded you as a collaborator and shoved you out the airlock."

"No," Felix said, shaking his head. "That's not how justice works."

"But it's how the world works. You would have died. Every collaborator that escaped New Caprica probably made your same claim. Right now, someone else has convinced them that they were an inside source. That _they_ got all those people out of detention. Someone else is living your life, and if you were to return, you would not fit. You would be destroyed."

"You knew?" Felix whispered. "You knew I was slipping information?"

"I suspected," the Two said, but his smile was the indulgent smile of a master whose pet just learned a new trick, or a parent whose child had begun to walk. "Now I know for sure. Don't worry. I thought that might be the case all along. You are a very unique person, Felix, and your destiny and your light shine for those who will see it."

He smiled and left Felix to himself.

***

He knew. The Two _knew_. And he'd protected Felix. He'd kept him safe. Not only from the humans, but from the Cylons.

He'd helped him release people from detention. Felix had seen the evidence of that.

He didn't see any other Cylons. He was not tortured. He was not raped. He was fed. He was cared for. The Two kept him safe from all of the things that could be done to him.

It wasn't what he wanted- it wasn't it his freedom. But what if this was all he was ever going to get? What if this really _was_ all that was left in his life?

***

And really, what was so bad about that? If the Two was telling the truth, shouldn't he be listening? How could he fault someone who wanted to save his life? What if the Two was right?

Time dragged by, and alone in his solitary prison, Felix began to wonder.

***

The clank of Centurions almost seemed familiar. He imagined he could tell the differences between them. He would talk to them sometimes, as if they could answer.

He talked to the Hybrid as well. He'd nearly screamed the first time he'd seen her, but now he found her babbling soothing. It was like the river that had run on New Caprica, the one whose banks he'd stood on.. Aside from the Two's, hers was the only voice he heard.

He'd always been content with his own company, and never been afraid of being alone. But now, life stretched out before him, a black wasteland with ordered, symmetric white lights. The mess and mud of New Caprica were a memory, and _Galactica_ was beginning to seem a little like a dream. But the Two was there, smiling and reassuring, telling him that he alone understood, he alone knew Felix.

And when the Two came to him one night, he reached out and took his hand. And when he lay back on the bed, he told himself this was all the happiness he was ever going to get.

***

They moved together, the Two inside Felix, Felix's eyes closed against the darkness and the light. And he imagined that his world opened up a little. There was someone here to share it, someone to help keep the darkness and loneliness and fear at bay. Someone to talk to and touch, someone to lean on and hold. Someone to prove he existed, on days he didn't quite believe it himself.

And yet, a part of him still called out for home.

***

The days ticked by, and it was just him and the Two. The Two was always gentle, always loving. Insistent, but gentle and loving. When he pushed a little far, when he did something Felix wasn't comfortable with, when he cajoled at a time Felix wasn't in the mood, Felix told himself not to complain, not to protest. Without the Two, he'd be trapped her in bitter isolation, and who knows if the other Cylons would find him. He submitted, he gave over, he clung to the one comfort he had left.

And when was nearly asleep, he imagined the hum of the _Galactica_ 's drives, and the dog tags that used to hang around his neck. But even if he'd returned, he'd never have had those dog tags back again.

***

"I have a surprise for you," the Two told him. Felix swallowed in trepidation, but followed obediently.

It was a Raptor, captured from an early mission. Felix blinked, staring at it, as the Two took his hand.

"I know you want to go home," he said simply. "And I realize now that if I love you, that's what I must give you."

Felix just stared at him, wordless. This was the last thing he'd expected.

***

"Traitor! Collaborator!" Tigh was angry until Adama caught his arm, yanking him back. Felix stood on the deck of the hangar bay, blinking around at the lights and trying to understand that he was on _Galactica_ again.

Admiral Adama faced him. Felix wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder, just to be sure he was real. But the military protocol was too ingrained for that. "Although President Roslin has forgiven all collaborators in the Fleet," he began, "you were not in the Fleet at the time. You've been on a Cylon basestar."

"Resurrection ship," the Two corrected, and Felix wondered what difference it made. "I took him there." He lifted his chin. "You would have killed him."

Adama didn't answer, but Felix noticed that Tigh looked away, abashed. Felix sighed heavily. The Two was right.

"Ask him about the garbage dump," the Two insisted.

Adama's brows furrowed, but Tyrol had been on the deck and listening. He stepped forward, his eyes questioning on Felix's face. "Garbage dump?" he asked, strained and excited.

"There was a yellow dog bowl," Felix said, feeling like that had been so long ago. Maybe it had been- he'd have to find out exactly how long it had been since the Exodus. "I flipped it over when there was a message. The dog's name was Jake."

Tyrol's eyes widened, and without warning, he pulled Felix into a bear hug. Felix struggled against it. It felt so strange to be touched by another human after all this time; strange and suffocating. Tyrol let him up for air, but kept his arm draped around Felix's shoulder. "This is it, sir," he said, laughing at Adama. Even Tigh's eyes- _eye_ \- widened. "I told you I had a source, but we never found them. This is why. It was Gaeta." He chuckled, punching Felix on the arm gently. "I should have known."

"You should have," the Two intoned resentfully, as the Marines led him away.

***

 _They would have killed you_ , the Two had told him, and yet he was hailed as a hero. An inside source, a hero of the resistance, a returning prisoner of war. He'd spent so long believing that it couldn't be this way that the reality seemed more like fiction. He floated through the days, trying to anchor himself in his work and failing miserably.

The only time he felt real was when he visited the Two in his cell. Then the world solidified and he could focus, and he could believe that this was what was real. He put his hand against the glass, and their fingers aligned perfectly, despite the fact they could not touch.

 _They would have killed you_ , the Two had told him, and somehow that was easier to believe.

***

"Felix." Dee caught his arm and he pulled away. "We need to talk to you."

 _We_ was apparently Dee and Louis Hoshi, whom Felix had started a friendship with before New Caprica. They both had concerned expressions, and Dee sat down at a table. Her expression was so expectant that Felix sat down out of long-forgotten habit. "What is it?"

"Why do you keep visiting that Two?" Dee demanded. "The one that held you prisoner?"

Felix blinked. "Because," he finally said, "he saved my life."

"Not necessarily," Hoshi said, leaning in. "Felix, the President forgave all of the collaborators three days in. If something had happened-"

"What would have happened?" Felix said sharply

Dee and Hoshi exchanged glances, and there _was_ something there. "What is it?" Felix demanded. "Tell me."

Dee sighed. "There was a Circle," she admitted. "I only know about it because of Lee… they were vigilantes."

"Vigilantes roaming free on _Galactica_?" Felix asked incredulously. "And you think I would have lasted the three days for Roslin to forgive me?"

"If you'd told them," Hoshi began. "If you'd told Chief-"

"I didn't know Tyrol was on the other end," Felix said. "He hated me on New Caprica. He believed I collaborated. He never would have listened."

They tried to convince him, but they didn't believe their arguments, either. If Felix had been on the _Galactica_ during those three days, the Circle almost certainly would have found him.

The Two had been right all along.

***

"I should have believed you from the start," Felix told the Two. "You were right."

"You didn't want to believe me," the Two said. "I can't blame you. I wish I hadn't had to believe myself."

They put their hands against the glass, and Felix wished that they could touch for real.

***

Dee and Hoshi were unsuccessful in their intervention, so they brought in the big guns. Felix supposed he shouldn't be surprised when Helo caught him walking out of the brig.

"What are you doing down there?" he demanded.

"Seeing the Two."

Helo sighed. "Felix, this isn't healthy."

"No?"

"No. It's about the most classic case of Skiathos syndrome I've ever seen. What he did to you-"

"What _did_ he do to me, Karl?" Felix asked archly. "He saved my life."

"By kidnapping you!" Helo protested.

"Like you're one to talk."

Helo's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Sharon stole Boomer's identity. When you fell in love with her, you thought she was Boomer," Felix pointed out. "She stole someone else's life, was assigned to sleep with you- which, by the way, since you didn't know her true identity could be constituted as _rape_ \- got pregnant with your baby and nearly led you to your death. How is that any better than what you're accusing my Two of?"

"Because Sharon came clean!" Helo responded. "Because I took the time to get to _know_ her. To know _this_ Sharon- my _wife_!"

Felix just shrugged. "You weren't there, Helo. You don't know how it is."

"I know who you were," Helo insisted as Felix walked away. "And this isn't you."

Felix just shrugged. Helo was wrong.

***

"He didn't just keep me safe, sir. He did more."

"What more did he do?" Adama asked, sitting at his desk as Felix stood before him, stiff in his uniform.

Haltingly, Felix explained about the lists, the names. The people that the Two let go. Adama listened impassively.

Finally, when Felix reached the end, he frowned. "Tell me something, Mr. Gaeta. How did this all come about?"

"I'm sorry. What do you mean, sir?"

"Did this Two come into your office and say, 'let me help you?'" Adama clarified.

"No. He asked me that after we… after we…"

A crack. A crack in what he was believing, what he was living. Felix trembled.

"After we what, Mr. Gaeta?"

"It's… it's nothing, sir."

"Say it," Adama ordered firmly.

Felix looked at the wall. "After we slept together, sir."

"I see."

"It's not like it sounds," Felix protested.

"No," Adama agreed. "You're making him sound like a frakking saint."

"He did let them go."

"To chain you to him. I'm sure Kara Thrace would have a lot to say about the subject."

Felix frowned. "Starbuck, sir?"

"She was being held prisoner by a Two as well."

"I wasn't a prisoner," Felix insisted.

"You weren't inside walls," Adama corrected. The crack widened, just a little. "You were a prisoner just the same."

"I-"

"I'm keeping him locked up, Mr. Gaeta. I might be able to trust him with the Fleet, or around the crew. But I don't trust him around you."

***

"It's ridiculous," Felix insisted, over and over. "Ridiculous. You saved my life."

The Two could only smile.

***

He saw Kara in the head. He told himself he hadn't been avoiding her, but when she looked at him, he knew he had. "What?" he snapped, not liking her scowl.

"What the frak is that Two doing on board?" Kara grumbled. "We should airlock him."

"Airlock," Felix snorted. "You sound like the President."

"The President is a very wise woman."

Felix bent down and washed his face.

"You could have done something."

"What?" He looked up to see Kara glaring at him.

"You. You could have done something. They say you passed information, you got people out of detention. You're a frakking hero, Felix. You shit gold. But that entire time, you sat in your office and you didn't do a damned thing to get me out of my prison."

"I didn't know you were in one," Felix said evenly. "They didn't tell me."

"You expect me to believe that?" Kara snapped. "You were frakking a _Two._ "

"I didn't know," he repeated, because it was the truth.

A Two had kept Kara prisoner. Felix hadn't heard that, but he believed it. He knew that they could be manipulative and ruthless and-

And wait. He believed it?

It wasn't _his_ Two. They were different. They _could_ be different. After all, wasn't that what Helo insisted? Wasn't that what the Admiral believed when he released Sharon? They could be different.

And yet, when he looked in the mirror, he saw that the expression in his eyes was the same as the one in Kara's.

It was such a small thing, such a coincidence, but it made his hands begin to shake.

"He said he loved me," he whispered.

Kara's glance was scornful. "Yeah, that's what Leoben said, too. Love and destiny and light and streams, and in the end it's all bullshit to tie you to them, because he's a sick frak who gets off on messing with people's minds."

The shaking was visible now.

"They aren't all like that. _My_ Two isn't like that."

"Think what you want," Kara said, and threw her towel into her locker. It landed with a wet thud. "But you're a frakking fool if you believe it, Gaeta." She left, her strides long and purposeful, her face hard and set.

He sat down on the bench, and for the first time since he'd been brought home, he _remembered_. He remembered those cold days of fear, those nights of dread. He remembered waiting, and he remembered the first time the Two was in his body.

And before he could stop himself, he threw up all over the floor.

***

He began to drink more, to smoke more. Everything made him angry, and he began to feel just as trapped on the _Galactica_ as he had on the Resurrection ship, as he had in New Caprica. Nothing felt right anymore, like his old life was a suit of clothes that didn't fit. He went through the motions. He smiled at Dee and Hoshi, ate with them and laughed with them. He did his job with precision, another useful tool in the CIC. He bantered with the pilots, played Triad with Helo, and settled into his bunk every night.

He still visited the prison, drawn by a lure he couldn't explain. But he kept that knowledge to himself. He wished that he could enter that cell, that he and the Two could be together one more time, just so he could be sure. Just so he could _know._ Because the Two _had_ saved his life, and had saved dozens of other people. That was real, wasn't it?

It _was._

***

"I know what your Two did to you," Gaius Baltar whispered, and all of that anger and pressure exploded in Felix, and he drove the pen into Baltar's neck.

It wasn't a secret. Not to the Admiral, not to Cottle, not to Tigh, not to his friends. It was just a secret that Felix had been keeping from himself.

***

 _Skiathos syndrome. Post traumatic stress disorder. Rape._ All words he saw on his charts, all words he never really believed could ever be applied to him. But they did- this _was_ his life. He wanted to turn away from it, but there was no turning away anymore.

Someone else suggested the Two be released, given that he _had_ saved people from the detention center. But the Admiral didn't budge, and it took Felix a long time to identify the feeling swelling in him at that news.

It was relief.

***

The stars didn't twinkle in space. They were steady pinpoints of light, like signposts or milestones. Felix looked out the broken observation deck at the stars, and remembered that night on New Caprica when he'd seen them and decided to take action. The night he'd finally asked the Two why he was following him.

 _I know you_ , the Two had answered. _And the others will see as well._ It hadn't been a threat, but a statement of faith.

But then, after all the Cylons did, it would have been reasonable to take it as a threat, too.

He leaned his forehead against the cold, thick material, closing his eyes. He felt like nothing was ever going to make sense again.

***

He dreamed. He dreamed of a green planet, where the Colonials settled and the wind stirred the grass. He and the Two lived together, called each other beloved. Had children.

He woke up, deeply disturbed. But at least this time, he recognized that it was a nightmare.

***

"When is it going to end?"

There was a group that Cottle had suggested; a rape survivor's group. It had taken Felix months to admit he needed to go, and weeks to summon up the courage. He only made it there the first time with Dee on one side of him and Helo on the other, both of them offering their support like silent guard dogs or sentries. Now he came alone, but he knew that both of them and Louis would drop what they could to come if he needed them.

"When is it going to end?" That was his question as he faced this group of survivors. "When do I get my life back?"

A woman smiled sadly at him. "You _have_ your life back, Felix," she said. "It's just that this is the way it is now. But that doesn't mean it can't get better."

"When?" he asked again, feeling desperate, wanting a date, a _schedule_.

"I don't know," the woman answered with a shrug. "But it does."

He stayed silent the rest of the session, not able to talk. When they wrapped up, he helped pile up the chairs silently.

"Mr. Gaeta?"

He turned. There was a girl there, one of the civilians. She was young, maybe sixteen or seventeen, and she was looking at him.

"Mr. Gaeta," she said again, her voice shaking. "I don't know if this is something I should tell you or not, but… I have to. On New Caprica, I was in the detention center."

Revulsion filled him. "Is that where-"

"No." She shook her head. "No. I wasn't there long. But one day, a Two came to me, and he told me that I could go. He let me go. And when I got home, my father told me that he'd begged you to help him. Mr. Gaeta, that Two had a goatee."

He stared at her, his blood running cold. This girl… _this_ was what he'd paid for. This was why he was here now, this was what he'd… he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Gaeta," she said, and he thought she was about to cry. "But I just… I just had to say thank you. Because even after everything that's happened since the Exodus, and even after he… if you hadn't saved me, I'd never have seen my father or my best friend again. I know it's not much, but I-"

"Please go," he said through numb lips.

The girl nodded and fled. Felix sat down heavily.

 _Thank you_ , she'd said, and then she'd walked out, alive and intact. _Thank you._

He didn't believe in miracles, but he thought that maybe- just maybe- it might start getting better right now. Just a little.

He stood up and walked out of the room.


End file.
